Life @>+-+--
1990.10.02
Dear Betty,
Here's what my life is like today:
A. I'm kind of depressed lately. A little while ago I wasn't depressed.
I. My life has a greater balance than usual between physical, spiritual and intellectual pursuits. It worked for a while to get out of balance, but I think I'll veer back now.
II. I was working enthusiastically for Frighten the Horses. I was following a purpose and doing a good job. I felt light and true (and important). I stopped concentrating on it because
a. I wasn't getting repaid for the money I spent, I was almost out of money, and I didn't want to ask for it, because
1. I didn't want to get turned down
2. I feel there's something wrong with me for not having enough money
(a) I went ahead and asked. Of course I'll get it
b. In order to do the job the way I felt it should be done I needed to keep in touch with Mark about it to a greater extent than he thought I did, and he questioned my motives, and I was insulted
III. I was writing fiction. I've always wanted to, always known I was a good writer, always wanted my creativity to result in something tangible. I slowed down on this because
a. In order to do the next step in writing well, I had to do something difficult, and I don't have much attention span when things get difficult, as per my career problems. I didn't have to do anything difficult when I was going to school, for some reason, and it's really hard to change this for myself
b. There stopped being a free computer available to me
c. A lot of what I was writing was really for Mark, the person, and I stopped seeing him
B. I'm pretty happy with my new relationship.
C. I don't where I will get my money from over the next period of time, until tax season starts again. I am applying for jobs, and I am committed to work on commission for Waddell and Reed, which may not make me any money.
D. I'm having car problems. I am terrified of losing my cars. One of them seems to need a new head gasket and a new battery, soon, but not quite yet, and the other just lost its third starter motor.
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